Date Night Study Hall - The 5 C's of Marriage - Communication
Communication (The Structure of the House)
David and his wives (Micah and Abigail)
Why do we talk? What is the purpose of communication?
1. To convey or gather information (this is generally the only reason a man talks)
2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say (He stops thinking to figure out inside, she talks to think out loud)
3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset (he stops talking when upset and goes into his cave)
4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself).
2 Samuel 6:16-23 (Micah and David fight)
What NOT to do:
The Lack of Background Conversation/Danger of Assumptions
- Failure to define clear expectations
- Failure to share similar values and/or work around different ones
Shifting from Circumstance to Character
- Questions with no answers
- Speaking different languages
o Danger of men treating women like men and vice versa
o Solutions, Empathy or Connection
- Sandbagging
1 Samuel 25:2-43 (David, Nabal and Abigail)
What TO do:
Process Thoughts AND Emotions
- When do we discuss thoughts? Feelings? Unique male/female challenges with sharing emotion
Shift from You to Me
- Abigail is 99.9% innocent but begins with herself and leads David to change.
Clarity in communication. Taking turns, Echoing, focus on listening, not reloading.
No interrupting and no distractions.
Silence is NOT a good sign – they may be coming to kill you. “What are you thinking/feeling?” is a good question always.
Overcoming the inclination to silence. The quiet one must own the process; the talkative one must be supportive.
Goal of all communication is connection, the structural work of relationship.
Next week: Conflict (The Guts of a House)
Conversation: 15 Minute Check in
Take 15 minutes each day this week and do this check in. You should spend roughly 3 minutes on each of the following 5 topics. Both people must weight in, but this doesn’t need to be a long process. Of course, you can go longer as needed, but the first couple of times stick to the 15 minute time-frame and then go back to topics later as needed (this prevents one person from giving a monologue).
1. Appreciation: Share something that you appreciate about the other person. Actions are good, character qualities are better.
2. New Information: Keep one another informed about something that is going on in your life.
3. Puzzles: Ask if something is out of the ordinary. For example, “You didn’t say ‘good morning.’ Are you ok?”
4. Request for Change: State a change you would like to see using this format: “I would feel love if you …”
5. Wishes, Hopes and Dreams: Share your hopes for what is to come (i.e. tomorrow, next month, in 5 years, etc).